By Sheila M Cooperman, Licensed Psychotherapist
Happy New Year!
2020 just by the number and what is going on in the world, is evidence that this year will be historic.
As a new year begins, we tend to review some of our current decisions. We recognize there are necessary changes that may need to be implemented. Now, that the New Year’s Eve stigma has passed, many people may be reviewing the people that they are now with. They may be deciding are they a keeper or time to cut bait. It’s now time to have a happy relationship.
Others may be deciding they had enough years spending New Year’s Eve alone.
When it comes to relationships,
When it comes to relationships, sure it seems like it is impossible to know which may and may not work, or the best way to hedge your bet.
But, the reality is there are few circumstances in life that have a fail-safe mechanism; however there are some clues to prevent you from choosing the completely wrong person. These guidelines may spare you some emotional angst.
The reality is a person’s personality foundation is formed at 4, 5, and 6 years old; it is an accumulation and culmination of both nature and nurture. (so that argument can be left alone) As we get older, we just tweak it here and there.
At that young age, we are constantly absorbing and being indoctrinated, and it is solidifying who we are, and how we will handle our life situations.
With that said, here are a few guidelines for your next time you go looking, and question “Can this person be the one that is right for me?”
For a happy relationship, children of married parents should date children of married parents, and children of divorced parents should date children of divorced parents.
The children of married parents probably grew up and watching and witnessing at times, trials and tribulations, but the parents got through it. Because of this these individuals are more likely and willing to work on issues in their own relationships. They will see it as something you fight for when need be.
In contrast, children of divorced parents, their indoctrination is “when things seem not to be working out – it is time to go.” This has been indoctrinated into them, how they see and process terms in their “relationships.”
This leans itself in many strange, unhappy directions, since children of married parents may push more, be more difficult because they expect their partner to stay no matter what turmoil may exist. In their indoctrination, they know it will all work out well in the end.
Children of divorced parents pretty much have one foot out the door at any moment. Now, there may be some that disagree with me, but isn’t there always.
For a happy relationship, I am just using one example, but there are plenty of others. Growing up was your home, a noisy, active household, where there was always something happening? Or were you raised in a quiet home where everyone was reserved and there was very little activity most of the time? This is hugely important, because again it has completely been imprinted into your subconscious.
So, both people should come from the same type of family, because it is their homeostasis, whether they like it or not. Nothing is going to change that. I always say your conscious is the car; your subconscious is the driver. Therefore, your homeostasis is that of your subconscious.
At times, a person may say, Yes, I grew up in a quiet home and I feel like I have missed out on something by this. I want to marry a person, who has a big family and a lot of parties, and noise and something always going on. Remember, this is the voice of the conscious.
Still being unaware, just how strong their subconscious truly is, and how it has the final say, they set their sights to find this individual. Remember this constant activity mode is the homeostasis for the other person they are looking for.
They find one, and for a while, your conscious likes the idea of all the company, music all the time, parties, people, but after some time, it becomes tiring, and you begin to request “maybe we skip having the weekly gathering, or maybe the family does not drop in uninvited, or it would be nice to spend some nights home just the two of you alone.
This is the “subconscious” speaking, and you are sliding back to the “quiet environment” that you grew up in.
Because it is what has imprinted as your homeostasis. It is you normalcy. Nothing is going to change that.
As more time goes on, you want to participate in less of those noisy, people infested gatherings, and want more quiet times. This will create friction and static in your relationship, just know upfront this is not the person for you.
Guideline 3 and the last one for now.
For a Happy Relationship, the family constellation is hugely telltale. Are you the oldest, the youngest or the middle child?
Often this is the root of why couples do not get along. I saw this constantly in my practice. I found it amusing, because once the couple learned this information, their reaction was always “Oh, that makes perfect sense.”
All the child positions come with their own personality. I am sure if someone did a study, they would find that middle children have far less divorces. That study makes more sense than some expensive bird studies I have heard about.
Traditionally, the oldest child, the first born has gotten far more attention. If you are unsure, just ask your parents how many pictures they have of the 1st born, and then the next, and the next.
Being the 1st child made everything they did marvelous and parents conveyed this to them with their every reaction and expression. (again, there probably are some exceptions as always, one might be if the child was an accident and not really wanted then.)
Let’s return to the majority of situations, where parents celebrated every move their first child made. Well, this was translated to this child as they are very important, and very special.
There are also some older children that may have been put in the position very early to take care of their siblings. These children will be imprinted with the idea of “leadership”
So very often, 1st children were picked-up the very second they began to cry, because of a new parent not knowing what they were doing, and this creates an imprint – conceptually for the child to expect “immediate gratification.”
The middle child, I like to refer to as the *universal donor. They are routinely the compromiser, and tend to have the less intense or descriptive personality. They are not the leader, and no one really takes care of them. Again, one exception may be if this child is the only “boy” or the only “girl.” Sometimes in that case, if they were treated as “daddy little girl” or “Mommies prince” they may have more narcissistic traits, like the 1st oldest child.
The youngest child tends to just be taken care of by the older siblings. This makes it difficult for them to learn how to take care of themselves. This translates that they always like to be taken care of even as adults.
For “only” children, there are also two types.
- Accidents – their parents may have taken care of them, but they were not doted on very much.
- The child they wanted so badly, and could only have one. These children are often more of a hybrid, part end product of over-doting which makes them feel “super important”, and “super special” yet they are not very good at taking care of themselves. This child is often doomed in life.
So why is this so important?
Two older children dating each other, will naturally buck horns, because they both want to be the leaders, they see themselves as the most important, the most special and want things done their way- That is no good.
Two younger children dating, well they are usually lost, since both really need someone to take care of them – That is no good.
The middle child- *Universal donor can get along well with both the older, younger, and the middle child, since they have the most compromising and flexible personality, and probably the best adjusted for what life has to offer.
A couple made up of a both an older child and a younger child works, since the older child wants and knows what everyone needs, and can take care of the young child who needs to be taken care of. The older child knows that their way is the right way, whether it is or not. – That should be good.
So, are these guidelines, 100 proof, of course not because there are blended families and other family constellations and circumstances. However; when you are first meeting someone or on the first date, you may want to ask some of these questions.
Or maybe some of you after reading the information in this article will sit back and just say to yourself or out loud “ Oh, This makes perfect sense.”
I am Sheila M Cooperman, licensed Psychotherapist for over 20 years. I am holistic and a psychodynamic, cognitive therapist. It is slowly being recognized the paramount quintessential importance that nutrition, vitamins and minerals play in our mental functioning. I have gotten amazing results with all types of mental health issues and conditions. I can be contacted at Naturallywellinc@gmail.com
To learn new information about mental health, please go to Mooddisordersymptoms.com